We wish our parents happiness. But what if their desires unexpectedly conflict with our ideas about what is right for them? The heroine, despite the close relationship with her mother, is difficult to agree with her choice. The history is commented by a gestalt-therapist.
“It is unbearable to think that they will talk about mom with a grin”
Olga, 39 years old
“I had a great childhood, loving mom and dad. Woe came to our family unexpectedly – I only entered the institute, rushed home to please everyone, and found out that the dad was gone. He died of thrombosis, his mother widowed at forty -three years.
It was a blow for all of us: for me, for the younger sister and most for my mother. She closed, the year did not talk at all, we were very worried about her. And a few years lived as if in a fog, almost nothing pleased her. It seemed, having lost his father, my sister and I slowly lose my mother – she eludes into the world, where she lives as if mechanically. Turns into the shadow of that woman who loves life, communication and laughter that I always knew.
And after a couple of years she suddenly had a fan. At first she hid him from my sister. We just saw that mom is changing. Began to take care of herself again, smile, buy new clothes. And once told me about him, admitting that he was 10 years younger than her. This did not impress me – the main thing is that my mother suddenly changed. Life was lit in it. Later she introduced me to Igor, and I liked him and my sister.
I found her a questionnaire, and I was unpleasantly struck by a whole series of frank photographs that did not fit with my mother’s age
My sister went to study in another city, I got married, and the fact that my mother began to live with him, I was only happy. The main thing is that she was not alone. When they broke up after seven years, my mother reacted calmly. At the same time, my son was born, she actively turned on to help and, as it seemed, was absorbed in the role of grandmother.
We talked to her mainly on the topic of the child, rarely spoke heart. And for me it was a big surprise when my close friend admitted that she saw my mother in a cafe with a young man. He held her hand, and they clearly had a date.
It was embarrassed, it was embarrassed to talk about it with my mother, but I got courage and asked her directly. And she surprisingly easily admitted that she met this young man through a dating site.
She said that she does not plan anything serious with him, but she likes these meetings.
Soon my daughter was born, and, absorbed in the care of two children, I stopped following my mother’s personal affairs. So far, after a couple of years, another acquaintance has not dropped that she saw a photo of my mother in a dating application. I found her a questionnaire, and I was unpleasantly struck by a whole series of frank photographs that did not fit with my mother’s age and hinted that serious relations were not interested in her.
In fairness, mom looks great: watching herself, a beautiful figure. But to see this was unpleasant for me, as if it were a stranger to me, a completely unfamiliar person. I demanded an explanation, but her answer did not delight me. She admitted that she wants to feel desired. Men of her age are not at all interested in her mother.
“Understand, I have never been to an elderly man, because your father was gone when I was forty -three years old. I myself feel young, and I like beautiful young men “. When I tried to sobering her and remind her that there can be no talk of any serious relationships with people of this age, she only hurts herself, her mother confidently replied that this was not included in her plans.
“Why do I need family dinners and socks? She laughed. – I already passed it. And now I just want to enjoy life. And flirt and sex, including “. “But you are 63 years old, you have grandchildren, you are a famous person, a teacher,” I objected. “It worries you, but everything suits me,” my mother answered me.
I have gone in mixed feelings, since then we have not raised this conversation. I did not tell my sister about anything. But I’m afraid that in our small city this will soon become known by a much larger number of common acquaintances. Yes, maybe this is my selfishness, but it is unbearable to think that they will talk about my mother with a grin. It hurts me for her. And it’s scary that it will affect me and my family. “.
“The psyche of children is rejected by the very fact that parents may have sex”
Daria Petrovskaya, Gestalt therapist
“Olga’s mother lost her husband at a fairly young age, and time, like her own female realization, stopped for her then. Therefore, the “new wave” begins from the moment the spouse. “I have never been to the elderly, your father was never at forty -three years old,” she says to her daughter.
Perhaps her sexuality and with her husband, she did not live in full. This happens in an early marriage, when the spouses still do not know either their preferences or erogenous zones. And therefore, discovering a new world of pleasures for herself, a woman explores herself in contact with younger people. This at this stage of life does not imply a heroine of relations for the mother, but gives experience. And she is well aware of this.
As for subsidiaries, the psyche is primarily rejected by the very fact that the parent may have sex. Even the intimate relationships of the mother and father are perceived by the child through denial and disgust. This is a normal protective reaction – this is how the taboo on incest is manifested.